Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Strength or Ignorance?

Before is a whirlwind of memories, thoughts, and experiences. Now, everything is a separate event. A shirt I wore, she won't ever see me in; the Oscars I watched on television, she and I won't talk about it; a song I heard; she won't hear it. In the past few days I'm beginning to understand how permanent "death" is. Regarding Mamama, it means things like not hearing her voice on my birthday, or smelling the tiger balm she puts on at night. But those are just things... what they actually mean, I have yet to wrap my psyche around.

I don't know how to mourn a loss and to heal from it. I know how to be strong, how to rationalize it in my head; like an upsetting movie that I'm thinking about for a few days after viewing it. Or hearing bad news, and everytime you remember what you heard, it's like, "oh, right...damn..." I want to feel the weight of what has happened, I want to scream, to cry, to be unconsolable. My fear is that it will hit me at the worst time, or a long time from now, when everyone else is "over it," and all of a sudden, I'm thrown into a mess of tears and anguish. Right now I'm trying to figure out whether it is because I don't fully understand and FEEL what has happened, or really, am I that strong of a person?

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