Strength or Ignorance?

Before is a whirlwind of memories, thoughts, and experiences. Now, everything is a separate event. A shirt I wore, she won't ever see me in; the Oscars I watched on television, she and I won't talk about it; a song I heard; she won't hear it. In the past few days I'm beginning to understand how permanent "death" is. Regarding Mamama, it means things like not hearing her voice on my birthday, or smelling the tiger balm she puts on at night. But those are just things... what they actually mean, I have yet to wrap my psyche around.

I don't know how to mourn a loss and to heal from it. I know how to be strong, how to rationalize it in my head; like an upsetting movie that I'm thinking about for a few days after viewing it. Or hearing bad news, and everytime you remember what you heard, it's like, "oh, right...damn..." I want to feel the weight of what has happened, I want to scream, to cry, to be unconsolable. My fear is that it will hit me at the worst time, or a long time from now, when everyone else is "over it," and all of a sudden, I'm thrown into a mess of tears and anguish. Right now I'm trying to figure out whether it is because I don't fully understand and FEEL what has happened, or really, am I that strong of a person?

What I couldn't say...

He could.

In loving memory...

Any person that knows me well enough knows that when, "I think I'm going to vomit" is uttered, circumstances have become too much. I've said it multiple times this morning.

Today, to deal, I'm silent. No talking, no thinking about what is coming out of my mouth. I don't have to make the choice of telling the truth or lying. Bury myself in a book, work, listening only to the sound of the keyboard, ambient sounds at work, something. Anything.

*********************

The phone rang, 6:53A. "Ma, everything okay?" "Amana... Amma passed away last night." No. I shook my head, "Huh?" She said it again and this time, the words sink in. The wind knocked out of me, I fall to the floor, sobbing...6:54A... and then realized who I was talking to. MY amma, Mamama's youngest, her favorite, and then one that needed her (Mamama) the most. I stopped, gained my composure and let her grieve. Then, the rest of the phone calls. My brother, my Dad, my cousin, and then most difficult, my phone call to the family, back home. Between 6:53A and 7:25A, I talked. Grieved, reassured, cried a bit, and talked some more. And now, I don't know what else to do, but to be silent.

*********************

I don't know how to end this post. To end it with a great tribute to my grandmother won't do her justice. Words cannot describe who this woman is and what she meant to all of us. I thank her for being there, for the unconditional love and support, and for being her. Today I will mourn her loss, but forever, I will rejoice in her life.

In the meantime, silence.

S.M.S.R

May 20th, 1920 - February 20th, 2007

Spread the love!

Happy Valentine's Day to all!

Here in the city it is a gorgeous, calm day, punctuated by the sight of hurried men shopping ... hehe. I really don't have an opinion on this holiday either way. My take on it: celebrate love, those you love, and yourself. The only thing mandatory is doing something nice for someone else; not just because of what day it is, but because you want to, and you would have done it anyway.

I will leave this on a super sappy note, because I will be having a fantastic (Valentine's) day with my special one.

UPDATE

If you haven't read the original: tough cookies. TC sent them a letter, regarding what will happen to the priest, etc. She received this response. TC being who she is, struck back, in the most calm and eloquent manner. Her strength amazes me. Please continue to follow her story, and stories of others. Awareness and action is the only cure to this disease.

Tag, you're it!

Thanks Brown Sugar for the tag, I have officially entered blogger world...

Three things that scare me:
1. Unsolved Mysteries
2. Being lonely
3. Bills

Three people who make me laugh:
1. Hash
2. Ranju
3. Chai
One must meet all aforementioned individuals to get the gist of how much these three make me laugh.

Three things I love:
1. Dessert
2. My DVR
3. Family/Friends

Three things I hate:
1. Being sick
2. Negativity
3. Leaving the toilet seat up

Three things I don't understand:
1. Inability to let go
2. Inability to follow direction
3. Inability to love

Three things on my desk:
1. Cell Phone
2. Jamba Juice
3. Day planner

Three things I'm doing right now:
1. Listening to my new favorite CD
2. Trying to look busy at work
3. Working on a media plan

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. Stay at an ashram in India
2. Sky-dive
3. Raise a family

Three things I can do:
1. Cook
2. Make great friends
3. Drive a stick

Three things you should listen to:
1. Your mother
2. The laughter of children
3. Yourself

Three things you should never listen to:
1. Sound of death
2. Ignorance
3. Unhappy puppies

Three things I'd like to learn:
1. How to decorate
2. Speak a new language
3. The difference between "love" and "in love"

Three favorite foods:
1. Konkani (mom's especially)
2. Asian (sushi, noodles)
3. All forms of chaat

Three beverages I drink regularly:
1. Green tea
2. Water
3. Beer

Three TV shows/Books I watched/read as a kid:
1. Ramona Quimby series
2. The Cosby Show
3. Judy Blume books

Three people I am tagging
1. Ranju
2. Vlove
3. MKP

It was a good day

Million reasons to smile, here are three:
1)It rained at all the right times (e.g. - when I was NOT outside walking)
2)Pandora continued to shuffle to my new favorite artist - Nya Jade. A local Bay artist with an amazing sound. Mini-plug: she's playing this Friday in the city at Canvas Cafe and Gallery @ 6P.
3)Today, February 12th, 2007, marks six amazing months with UGS.

I haven't gone to bed this happy in a long time.

It's Phriday!

Chastity:I know you can be under whelmed, and you can be overwhelmed, but can you ever just be, like, whelmed?
Bianca: I think you can in Europe.
-10 Things I Hate About you

I was overwhelmed. To list it out: even more things I have to buy for my apartment; incoming bills; taking over full time for all the projects at work next week; and the impending arrival of my little man. Subsequently, I was in a fairly foul mood yesterday; alleviated eventually by beer and Thursday night television on ABC.

This morning, on the way to work, I started thinking and listed out all the good things going on and have come to realize that a getting a few pots and pans and paying for electricity, not that bad. So to end this short post, I'll leave you with a few positives:
-Having my little man at home with me finally. He's a lot of work, but he's mine and I love him.
-Little packets of honey at work that alleviate my sweet tooth and apparently, according to the following, are very healthy.
-I was equally annoyed about the rain and cold weather out here (I'm in California for Pete's sake)... but then I saw a homeless guy sleeping in the building entrance... I no longer felt cold.
-And this story, told to me by one of my med school friends:
"Med school is going great. I've started my rotations. On Pyschiatry right now, fun times and stories: I saw this guy walking up and down the hall of the ward, talking to himself, shouting orders and making business deals. At the end of the week I realized he didnt have schizophrenia, he had a bluetooth headset."

Happy Friday to all!

It's been a while...

For those that avidly check this and want to know all about my FANTASTIC life... sorry for not posting...I've been busy moving, starting the new job and experiencing a social life again. Few things:

1 - Big thanks and love to the Bay folks that have made me feel right at home.
2 - The commute thing is not so bad (this coming from the girl that has currently commuted all of three days in her life).
3 - The weather is fantastic. Snow is officially a VERRY distant memory.
4 - The opportunities to eat and eat well have multiplied exponentially. Thankfully the walk from BART to work and back (see #3) has made it feasible to eat well and not blow up like a zephyr in record time.
5 - Watching a Midwestern Super Bowl in California... hmmm.... I may have to fly back to Indiana if and WHEN the Colts make it to the Super Bowl again.

I'll write more later, thanks for checking in.

GO COLTS!!!